there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
