Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
