I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
