Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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