I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
