During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
