Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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