Will you blow on my dice?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I can't turn off my feet"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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