she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
