so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
