you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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