im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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