Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
