Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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