Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
