Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
