Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
