i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
