I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
