if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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