I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm just crazy horny about you
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
