im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
