the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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