smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
