I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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