If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
