I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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