i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
