dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
