Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
