Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
