Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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