the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
