note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
