Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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