you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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