and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
