My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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