I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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