So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
