It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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