saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We are two peas in an std pod
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
