I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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