Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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