It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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