You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
God, I missed his penis.
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