Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
