Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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