I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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