Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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