Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
