Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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