i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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