I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
