Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
