I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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