He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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