How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
