lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
