I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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