I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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