so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you win again, gameday.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
