Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
